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(no subject) [Oct. 11th, 2006|02:51 am]
[mood |lonelylonely]

sometimes i miss him so much that i don't think i can take it...

and i feel like i can't even breathe
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happy birthday to....me? [Mar. 20th, 2006|11:49 pm]
[mood |surprisedsurprised]

i'm 19 fucking years old...

what the fuck have i been doing to make this fly by so fast?

i'm a little scared to grow up :/

ps- it's supposed to snow on my birthday. psssh!
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writing papers really sucks... [Nov. 28th, 2005|09:05 pm]
[mood |coldcold]

ok so i have a 5 page paper due on thursday for my humanities exam...and i'm updating my livejournal.

thanksgiving was okay. it was fun hanging out with the fam and all..but i was SOOOOOO ready to come back to louisville. i realized something while i was home though....i HATE northern kentucky. i REALLY, REALLY hate it here. there's nothing to do. people are boring, and my parents get on my nerves. i mean, i love my friends and all, but we always do the same thing. not to mention, i don't like a bunch of people back home. i think thats why i love louisville so much. it's a whole different scene here. i'm actually thinking about staying here this summer because it is going to suck back home. not to mention if grant and i are still together i'm really gonna miss him. plus, i realized another thing while being back there. the temptation is WAAAAAY too great there. it's hard to hang out with guys whom you have a past with. especially when grant isn't around and i miss him soooo much. i don't know though. i'm the type of person that gets bored after a while and needs a change of pace. louisville just feels like home to me. i love the city, i love the people, i love where i live. i'm dreading going back for christmas break. thank god we don't have a lockout.

grant and i are doing okay. some stuff happened this weekend to shake us up a bit, but nothing major. i don't know what it is about that boy, but when i'm with him i just...forget about the world. it's been so long since i felt so happy with one person.

back to my break...

i saw stacey and andrea. i haven't seen them since i left! it was refreshing, i do have to say. i also went over emilie's house who is my boss at snappy's. a bunch of girls that i work with were there. emilie, christy, lindsay, caitlin, elise, and some of em's friends were there. we were all drinking and having a good time. we were gonna go midnight bowling, but we decided to x it. i had 2 drinks throughout the night and left around 3. well, on my way getting onto the interstate, i get PULLED OVER! oh and here;s the best part. I HAD TO TAKE A DUI TEST! i wasn't even nervous either. i was driving my mom's car, and i'm not used to driving that huge boat of a car. when i was turning onto the interstate i swurved into the other lane and the cop thought i was drunk. so he makes me do this finger counting test and another one where i follow his fingers. i passed with flying colors and i explained that i just wasn't used to such a big car. he apologized for pulling me over and sent me on my way. talk about luck! i can't help but laugh when i think about it.

i didn't think that i was going to be able to come back to louisville because my car was broken, but i lucked out again and it worked til i got back. THANK GOD! i really could NOT have spent another day there. anywho, i suppose i should get back to writing this freakin paper...
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i'm bored and i can't sleep! [Nov. 5th, 2005|01:37 pm]
[mood |happyhappy]

10 Firsts:

-Best Friend: lauren fleming
-Screen Name: obhave321 (i loved austin powers)
-Piercing: ears
-Music: shit i don't remember
-Stuffed animal: i had a blankie but the first one i remember is the one mav got me when i was in the hospital and it was a white bear
-Failing grade: uhmmm? hah who knows. those have happened a lot.
-Kiss: my first "real" kiss was mike arlinghaus *shudders* what was i thinking...
-Love: ugh..you all know his name..i'm not gonna say it
-Vacation: disney
-Time you got really trashed: REALLY trashed was gatlinburg because it was the first time i passed out

9 Lasts:

-Cigarette: about an hour and a half ago with grant and his dad
-Alcoholic beverage: last night at grant's grandma's
-Phone Call: jenny oh i love her <3
-CD Played: the spill canvas <33333
-Bubble bath: last weekend when i went home
-You cried: tuesday when grant and i had our first fight :/
-Food: breakfast at grant's
-Movie: jarhead...there's penises in that movie!!!
-Love: jerry...i'm not sure if i'm in love with grant yet

8 Have You Evers:

-Ever Dated One Of Your Best Friends: yes...jerry
-Ever Been Arrested: no but VERY close to it
-Ever Skinny Dipped: yes
-Ever Been on TV: yes
-Ever been to another country: no
-Ever Kissed Someone and Then Regretted It: i don't have regrets
-Ever had a Suggestive Dream About Someone: yes
-Ever cheated: i don't believe in cheating

7 Things You're Wearing:

1) red louisville sweat pants
2) louisville t-shirt
3) bra
4) Underwear
5) socks
6) my new glasses
7) hair tie?

6 Things You've Done Today/ Happened to you:

1) woke up with grant
2) ate breakfast with his family
3) made funny faces with kayla his niece
4) peed
5) went to sears
6) talked to majal and derek

6 People You Can Tell [ALMOST] Anything to:

1) jenny
2) jordan
3) casey
4) alison
5) grant
6) jay (sometimes)

4 people you admire:

1) my grandpa
2) jordan
3) my dad
4) my other grandpa

3 Choices:

-Black or White: Black
-Hot or Cold: hot
-Sun or Rain: Sun

2 Things You Want to Do Before you die:

1) skydive
2) jump off a waterfall

1 thing you regret:

1) i don't have regrets...
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i need you so much closer.. [Oct. 1st, 2005|09:58 pm]
[mood |lovedloved]
[music |armor for sleep-remember to feel real]

i haven't updated in ages. life is great right now. i met a boy. his name is grant. he tells me nice things and i like him a lot. i love it when he kisses me and wraps his arms all the way around me. i like how he whispers sweet nothings in my ear. i love how i can be the biggest nerd around him and he still thinks i'm the most amazing girl he has ever met. i love how he takes me on dates to expensive restaurants and don't even blink when it's a 70 dollar bill. he lets me drive his car (which is a lexus) and tells me that he trusts me completely with it. i love how when i got him a parking ticket, he laughed and said i was silly. i love how when we spoon, we fit PERECTLY together, and when i fall asleep he stays up and looks at me. i love it when he calls me amy pasinetti. i like how we can make out for hours and never stop. i love how he knows every spot where i like to be kissed. i like how he always plays with my hair and puts me to sleep. i love how we fall asleep to the postal service and death cab for cutie. i like it when we do puzzles in our poltical science class and make fun of the teacher because he is so weird. i love how he's going to take me to a pumpkin patch and on hayrides. i love how he asked me to go with him to take his niece trick-or-treating. i LOVE how he understands how precious my purple blankie is to me and loves her too. i love how he dresses and smells. i love how he compliments me ALL the time, and he says i have an amazing shoe collection. i love how he wants to meet my parents. i like how he makes me feel inside...

i hate how vulnerable i am making myself. i hate how i'm letting myself like him SO much. i'm nervous that he invited me to go to his brothers wedding dinner rehersal and i have to meet all his family. i get nervous when he talks to his dad about me and i'm sitting right next to him. i hate how i get butterflies in my stomach when i see him. i hate it when he has to go...

it looks like more likes than dislikes. *sigh* please don't let me get hurt...
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(no subject) [Sep. 15th, 2005|01:23 am]
[mood |numbnumb]

he makes me want to FUCKING PUKE

i never thought i could have this much HATE in my heart...
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i think i can, i think i can [Sep. 1st, 2005|12:22 am]
[mood |indifferentindifferent]
[music |dave matthews band]

i'm sitting here listening to dave with jordan and david fighting in the background and i can't help but be in a crappy/sappy mood. i've been holding a lot of things in lately and all these emotions are starting to get to me. i don't know how i feel about mitch, i miss someone back home, i hate that friends have hurt me, and i can't stop watching the tv and thinking of the devistation these people are going through. to have EVERYTHING...lost. i can't even imagine how that feels. jordan's whole family lives in biloxi and they have nothing. their house is gone, their business is gone, they have no money, no food, no clean clothes, nothing to drink...absolutely nothing. i feel so helpless because here are people who are like my family that have gone something SO horrible. i just don't know what to think or feel. too many things just running through my head.

i hate the fact that i let things build up inside of me. i hate the fact that i'm not allowing myself to like mitch. i hate that i've been hurt SOOOO many times that i just can't take it. i hate the fact that i miss him. i hate that i am second best to jay. i hate the fact that i feel like i don't know jenny anymore. i hate that muggsie is getting old and i don't know how much longer she is going to be around. i hate feeling so sorry for people. i hate that i saw an old woman cry. basically, i hate being me right now. i ALWAYS seem to do the wrong thing with guys. especially after having my heart torn out and stepped on more than most people can even imagine. i hide so many things from people and secretly cry to myself at night. mitch is wonderful and treats me so well and i'm scared shitless. i want a boyfriend. i want to be loved and i want to love someone back. but everytime i let my guard down, it all goes to the shitter. last night when mitch was holding my hand i felt really...safe, and it was so nice to feel that way. but sometimes, i feel like no matter what i do with him, he'll get hurt. here's such a perfect song to describe me right now...

grace is gone- dave matthews band

Neon shines through smoky eyes tonight
It’s 2 am - I’m drunk again it’s heavy on my mind
I could never love again so much as I love you
Where you end where I begin is like a river going through
Take my eyes take my heart I need them no more
If never again they fall upon the one I so adore

Excuse me please one more drink
Could make it strong cause I don’t need to think
She broke my heart my Grace is gone
One more drink and I’ll move on

One drink to remember then another to forget
How could I ever dream to find sweet love like you again
One drink to remember and another to forget

Excuse me please one more drink
Could make it strong cause I don’t need to think
She broke my heart my Grace is gone
One more drink and I’ll move on
One more drink and I’ll be gone

You think of things impossible and the sun refuse to shine
I woke with you beside me your cold hand lay in mine

Excuse me please one more drink
Could make it strong cause I don’t need to think
She broke my heart my Grace is gone
One more drink and I’ll go

Excuse me please one more drink
Could make it strong cause I don’t need to think
She broke my heart my Grace is gone
One more drink and I’ll move on
One more drink and I’ll be gone
One more drink my Grace is gone

great...now i'm crying. goodnight.
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*yawn* [Aug. 30th, 2005|12:25 am]
[mood |boredbored]

so it's 12:30 and i'm totally putting off reading a chapter of my humanities book because it is so freaking boring i want to shoot myself in the head. i haven't updated in a long time. i'm in college now and it's just absolutely amazing. school is great. i like most of my classes for the most part. being just THAT much closer to being in the dea excites me to NO extend. i can't wait! not to mention the parties. oh my! last week i went to this frat party that had over a thousand people. and i am NOT exaggerating. it was so much fun! i guess i need to talk about the boy situation. there's this one boy named mitch. he's very nice and i think i may like him. we've been on a few dates. he likes to get me drunk too. he's from erlanger and he's 20. i've heard through the grapevine that he really likes me. he tried to kiss me the other day and i said no because i decided that i want our first kiss to be at the fireworks this weekend. i don't know though. he reminds me of a past boyfriend and i'm not quite sure i want to go down that route again because the LAST thing i want in my life is to be reminded of HIM. but back to mitch. i really missed him this weekend and i can't wait to see him this week. there's also another boy i have had my eye on is this boy named chad. he's very, veryyyy cute and awww! i think he likes me since he keeps poking me on facebook. i saw him walking aroun campus the other day and when i said hi to him, his face got all red and he put his head down a little and said hi. how fucking adorable is that? so i don't know! so far though, i love it here.

i love all the new people i have met too. my suitemates are amazing and so is my roommate. i can tell that i'm going to be friends with them for a very long time. especially majal. we are so much alike and i just absoluetly love her! i kind of don't want to go home this weekend because i have so much fun here. this weekend is the uk vs. u of l football game. we already know that we are going to kick their asses, but it should be a good game. my dad got me and jordan AMAZING seats, thank goodness! it's gonna be so much fun! afterwards is a huge party but i don't think i'm gonna go because of the fireworks. actually, i think i might do whatever mitch does because i am going to kiss him. i think i hurt his feelings the last time i didn't kiss him, so i better do it the next time. i'm just not one for making out on the dance floor. or maybe part of me doesn't want a boyfriend sooo fast. orrr maybe i'm holding out for chad? who knows! i'm sure next week i'll feel completely different because, it's me we're talking about. anywho, i need to go read that stupid chapter.
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you've got your ball, you've got your chain [Aug. 17th, 2005|03:06 pm]
[mood |calmcalm]

i had a boy in my room until 7 in the morning singing me dave matthews on his guitar.

college couldn't be any better....
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lights will guide you home [Aug. 12th, 2005|01:52 am]
[mood |anxiousanxious]
[music |fix you-coldplay]

well, i'm lying in my bed looking around at my empty room and i can't help but think about how much my life is about to change. this is one of the last nights i will be sleeping in "my" bed. this room isn't going to be "my" room anymore. and pretty soon this house isn't going to be my "home" anymore. kind of depressing..

so i leave for college in less than a day. i'll admit that i am scared shitless. i'm sort of afraid of this enormous change. i'm afraid to grow up. part of me is still yearning to be a kid again. part of me doesn't want to leave my mom and dad. and a huge part of me doesn't want to leave my home. i sort of like it here.

this summer has been an amazing one. i'm really gonna miss it and my friends and all of the wonderful memories we have made. girls, i love you all to pieces. i'm going to miss you. i'm going to miss "us". i know we will all do fine and go out into the world and have amazing careers and meet amazing husbands and have amazing kids and just have AMAZING lives. just remember one thing. stay true to who you are and NEVER forget where you came from and all the people who have helped you get there. i love you all dearly...
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